Lessons Learned...
After a particularly nasty split, we always like to tell ourselves that our time spent with Mr. Wrong wasn't a total loss. The good news is, there really are some useful lessons you can take away from your relationship history. Here are the top 25 silver linings to focus on the next time you're at the end of the relationship line. Got more ideas? Share them in the comments, on Facebook and on Twitter!
istockphotoThe poor treatment you won’t tolerate. If you’ve had to deal with a mean boyfriend for too long, now you can make up your mind to refuse to accept that behaviour in the future. Maybe you decide to never again stand for a guy who tells you to shut up, or you realise that never getting so much as a greeting card on special occasions really did hurt your feelings. Next time? You’ll make it clear what is and is not OK.
istockphotoThe good treatment you expect. Maybe you had to let go of a genuinely sweet guy who just wasn’t right for you. In that case, at least you can take away the good bits and remember to expect them in the future – yes, you are worth special dinners and over-the-top compliments every once in a while.
istockphotoWhat you want in the end. If you had to call it quits over one of the serious dealbreakers, like the decision to get married or have kids, then you’ve already been through the soul-searching process that everyone eventually goes through on their way to finding the right relationship. Compromise is good, but not when it comes to such fundamental questions of how to live your life.
istockphotoRelationship red flags. Hindsight is 20/20, right? You can torture yourself over not recognising the signs of a bad boyfriend right off the bat (he wanted to keep your relationship a “secret?” He kept a collection of beer cans in his bedroom?), or you can consider yourself wiser for next time.
istockphotoHow to fight fair. If you and your ex made a particularly volatile pair, then you’ve been through a few tearful rounds in the relationship fighting ring. Think about what fighting tactics were counter-productive or just plain hurtful, and try to find ways of talking about emotional issues more effectively.
istockphotoYour own mistakes. Forget about the whole “who’s to blame” thing for a second here. Even if the breakup wasn’t your fault, you might still be able to pinpoint a few of your own behaviours that could have contributed to your unhappiness. Things like a jealous streak or a tendency to be overly critical could get in the way of your other relationships, too.
istockphotoWhat you love to do. Sometimes relationships can become all-consuming, leading us to gradually forget about our own hobbies and passions. Now is the time to get back your independence, and ditch that interest you only took up because he liked it.
istockphotoThe unexpected joy of being alone. Somewhere in the midst of all your post-split wallowing, you’ll find that you’re enjoying it despite yourself. You could assume that you just like feeling sorry for yourself, or you could give more credit to the power of a little alone-time. If you’re already with someone new, then you don’t have to wait to be single again before making time for this underappreciated treat.
istockphotoSex can be a symptom, not a disease. If you’re like lots of other couples, the frequency and intensity of sex probably plummeted towards the end of your relationship. Try not to get wrapped up in thinking that a poor sex life caused the split, and instead, look forward to having good sex again.
istockphotoWho your friends really are. Going through something painful like a breakup can help remind you of who’s really on your side. Make sure to let your friends know how much you appreciate them, especially if you pulled a disappearing act when you first started going out with your now-ex.
istockphotoSome harsh truths about cheating. If you’re like many couples out there, your breakup may have involved some very painful infidelity. If he was the one who stepped out, consider yourself armed with some clues that may point to future trouble. If you were the one who cheated, then take the opportunity for a long, hard think about what led you down that path – and how to avoid it in future.
istockphotoWhat WASN’T his fault. Now that you’re not tied to the ol’ ball and chain, it’s your chance for a total life-evaluation. Think about the other factors in your life that could be making you unhappy, not just those related to the breakup. Maybe your job is dragging you down, or maybe you just don’t enjoy living in your current home. This could be the chance to start fresh.
istockphotoImmature breakup spats are just not worth it. After a long, drawn-out tussle involving splitting up the CDs and bad-mouthing each other to your friends, you’ll both think twice (hopefully) before resorting to those tactics again. By contrast, a clean, dignified break can actually leave you feeling sort of good about yourself.
istockphotoHe wasn’t that perfect. With any luck, a little time and distance will help you notice some serious flaws in your ex or in your general relationship that you may have missed when you were still blinded by love. As negative as that sounds, a more objective eye can go miles in helping you to get over someone, especially if you feel that you were the one left behind.
istockphotoTrust your gut. A woman’s intuition isn’t some magic hocus-pocus – it’s our sub-conscious reading of a million little clues that our conscious brain either can’t or doesn’t want to notice. So now you should know that if you think something is wrong with your relationship, you owe it to yourself to follow up the hunch.
istockphotoNot all relationships are worth fighting for. Many women are determined to make a relationship work, and are willing to do anything to save it. Consider this instead – being in a couple isn’t a competition, and you don’t get any prizes for sticking around in a miserable relationship. Sometimes it’s good – and right – to be a quitter.
istockphotoRespect for your time. One of the things we agonise over after a breakup is the idea of wasted time. If you’ve been jerked around before, you can make sure that other potential suitors understand that your time is valuable. If you think three months is an unacceptable time to be stuck in the casual dating zone, then don’t be afraid to say so.
istockphotoIf you can handle being “friends.” A lot of us wind up in friend limbo after a breakup. Can you deal with keeping in touch, or would it be better to cut off contact for a while? It’s good to know what works for you, so that you don’t find yourself being dragged through old emotions just because he’s not ready to let go.
istockphotoThere are definitely other men out there. One of the things that can keep us in a bad relationship is the fear of being alone. Think about your first ever breakup – bet you didn’t think you’d find boyfriend #2, did you? But you did, and you will again. The more you believe this, the easier any breakup will be (and the easier it will be to cut a bad guy loose).
istockphotoYou shouldn’t have to hide your personality. Did you ever feel that you couldn’t really be yourself around him? You might have dealt with it at the time because you were smitten, but now you know that having to fake it doesn’t mean true love.
istockphotoJust because it didn’t last, doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth anything. Not all relationships are meant to last forever, but that doesn’t have to mean that the whole thing was a failure. Try not to let the unpleasant ending spoil all of your happy memories.
istockphotoIs your type really your type? Maybe you’ve been attracted to a particular kind of man for no good reason, whether you’ve had a string of bad boys, or older men, or wounded bird types. You might want to widen your search net.
istockphotoConsider the waters tested. Some people get freaked out about making long-term commitments if they don’t feel they’ve been around the dating circuit enough. Well, now you have a bit of experience under your belt, and you’ll be better able to identify a good thing when you see it.
istockphotoYou really can’t change someone. Keep that in mind, and you’ll save yourself a lot of time and trouble. The next time you meet a man who seems just a little too invested in his job or a little too fond of staying in on a Friday night, respect those things as part of his personality. You might decide that he’s not for you, or you might accept him as he is, but either way, you won’t have any unrealistic expectations.
istockphotoYou are surprisingly strong. There’s no doubt about it – this breakup was really rough. But you made it, right? It’s comforting to know that we can make it through even the most devastating losses and come out the other end.
