How To Win A TV Talent Show
A little bit of advice to The X Factor and The Voice UK contestants alike. Love from GLAMOUR.
Rex FeaturesImmerse Yourself In Talent
And by immerse, we mean hide. Can’t sing? Not a hot dancer? Resemble a soft toy troll minus the tuft of pink hair? Then find four others sort of like you but slightly better looking, colour co-ordinate, learn to get off of chairs in time with key changes and enter the Groups category. It worked for Niall Horan.
BBC/Wall To Wall/Guy LevyPick The Most Popular
The viewers at home don’t just vote for the act they like best; they vote for the star charged with mentoring them, too. It’s not always possible to pick your teacher, but when in a The Voice-type situation, aim for the most popular. Seriously.
Bigpicturesphoto.comPractice, Practice, Practice
That means putting your vocal harmonies before your drunken escapades. Which reminds us…
Big PicturesDO NOT BREAK THE GOLDEN RULE
Whatever that is. We just know that Frankie Cocossa did. And it was a one-way ticket to Canning Town via Red Top central. Do not pass The Charts. Do not collect a record deal. Advance straight to Hello! for two months and then DISAPPEAR.
Rex FeaturesGet Mariah Carey To Sing With You
Always a winner, that. Or Beyoncé. Just say ‘NO’ when they threaten to wheel out Robbie Williams to duet with you for the umpteenth time.
Rex FeaturesHave A Backstory
James Arthur’s rags-to-almost-riches ‘bedsit’ tale made the nation – and Nicole Scherzinger – weep. As did Jarmaine working in a supermarket. Sounds an awful lot like student life to us, but throw in a couple of tears, some mummy’s boy credentials and a can of beans, and you’ve got yourself a winning formula.
Rex FeaturesBe A Non-Human
Which is difficult if, like us, you are one. But animals equal votes! So if you could possibly become one with a talent, you’re a paw in to scoop the prize.
Rex FeaturesHave A Fling
With a single judge/contestant or high profile star. Because romance = column inches and column inches win votes. Fact. Affairs? Not so much. So, you know. Maybe avoid those.
Rex FeaturesFake An Illness
Preferably half-way through the competition, completely lose your voice, collapse or fall over or something. Miss the most difficult round of the show and stage a miraculous “return to form”. Just an idea.
Rex FeaturesGet The Judges Drunk
Because the blurrier their vision, the better you sound. And the gushier the praise imparted upon you post-delivery (WE’RE JOKING, OBVIOUSLY).
Rex FeaturesPick The Right Track
Look, it’s pretty simple. If you’re a soul singer, BACK AWAY FROM THE THUMPING EURO TRANCE. Bit of a rocker? PUT R KELLY DOWN. And for God’s sake, whatever happens, DO NOT ATTEMPT WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Rex FeaturesDon’t Let Louis Stage Your Choreography
Because it will look like the cast of Mamma Mia! has vomited rainbow glitter into Elton John’s underpants, hoisted them on a pole and set sail in the campest ship the world has ever seen.
BBC/Wall To Wall/Guy LevyDon’t. Forget. The. Words.
It’s about as embarrassing as splitting your trousers live on stage. It really is.
PA PhotosGet Some Celebrity Backing
Because the general public believe famous people more than they believe themselves. So if Tinie Tempah says you’re ace, and Ashton and Demi (RIP that talent show-watching power couple) start tweeting about you, you’re onto a very good thing indeed.
Rex FeaturesGet Some Press Backing
Be nice to us journalist types. We can make or break. Or, you know, ring of shame you. If we worked for Heat. But we don’t. So…
PA PhotosBreak Out An Acoustic
Or a piano. Or even a tambourine. Hell, even a maraca will do. Because even if you’re pretending to write your own stuff, it lends a mirage or credibility that is pretty hard for your average viewer to look beyond. And, you know. Spot the micked-up man just behind an amp backstage, frantically strumming along in time with you.
Rex FeaturesDon’t Forget That People Are Watching
So, you know. Don’t just stand there like a lemon. Work the crowd! Work the jugdes! Put on a show! Wear some sequins! Maybe not the last bit. Unless you’re this season’s novelty act. Which brings us on to our next point…
Rex FeaturesDo Not, Under Any Circumstances, Enter As A Novelty Act
You’ll be out in Week 6. And that’s only so the public can laugh at you for an extended period of time.
Rex FeaturesGet A Decent Stylist
Please.
PA PhotosDon’t Argue With The Judges
It just makes you look conceited. Even if you’re bang on the money and Simon’s being a see-you-next-Tuesday. You’ll hit the headlines for all the wrong reasons, be instantly labeled a “diva”, probably accused of a minor crime and be in the bottom two the following week without a doubt. But above all…
Rex FeaturesDon’t Win It
We’re serious! Avoid the top spot. Other than very few exceptions (cough Little Mix cough), it’s ALWAYS the runners-up who go on to have the greatest career success. Take a little-known act called One Direction for example. Or Olly Murs. Or Cher Lloyd’s vast conquering of the US. Whether it’s the lack of pressure, artist freedom, or just the general public’s poor recommendations, it is one achievable rule of thumb we advise you to stick by. Or, better yet, if it’s credibility you’re after? Don’t. Enter.
