You wake with a start — you were just miles away in dreamland with you know who — again. It leaves you wondering: Why do I keep dreaming about my ex?
As the seasons change and the weather gets colder, it's common for our sleep patterns to shift — and with these changes often come those pesky, common dreams: falling, losing teeth, and, yes, exes.
What does it mean when they keep popping up in your sleep and err, does it mean you still secretly have feelings for them? We spoke to Elle Mace, a Positive Psychology Coach, to decode what our weirdest dreams *actually* mean…
Time for a little pillow talk.
Why do I keep dreaming about my ex?
Dreaming about your ex can certainly be disconcerting, but the good news is, you’re not alone. Pretty much everyone finds themselves face-to-face with someone from their past (often their romantic past) when they're in dreamland. In fact, dreaming about an ex is the sixth most common dream in the UK.
Scientists still don't fully understand why we dream about certain things and not others. Freud's theory was that dreams were signs of “repressed longing” — in other words, that we dreamt about things we secretly wanted.
As for Carl Jung, he posited that dreams "show us the unvarnished, natural truth, and are therefore fitted, as nothing else is, to give us back an attitude that accords with our basic human nature when our consciousness has strayed too far from its foundations and run into an impasse.” However, he also believed that our dreams weren't always literal. In other words, an ex appearing in a dream might actually be a metaphor that you are missing something else from your past.
“Dreaming about an ex can happen for various reasons,” says Mace. “It could be your subconscious processing unresolved emotions or memories from the past or perhaps a current desire or void you are missing in life.”
Yes, your dreams about your ex are trying to tell you something.
Does dreaming about an ex mean anything?
While you may initially worry that your subconscious is telling you to get back together with your ex, dreaming about an ex doesn't necessarily mean you miss being with them — it might just mean you are dealing with some unresolved emotion from that relationship or even from that period in your life.
“While it doesn't necessarily mean you want to get back together, it might signify areas in your life needing closure, reflection or attention,” Mace says. “The ex can signify love or connection.”
And sometimes, believe it or not, dreaming about an ex can be completely random.
“It might just be that we are recalling a particular moment or memory while we were with that person but it’s not associated to anything else,” she says. “If it’s a one of random dream it’s more likely to not be attached to other emotions but if it repeats itself even two or three times it could mean more.”
They're your mind's way of trying to tell you something.
What do common dreams about exes mean?
Of course, each dream about an ex is slightly different – and each type of dream can have its own meaning.
“All dreams involving ex-partners can be a complex reflection of our emotional state and unresolved issues, whether it relates to the ex partner directly, or indirectly through other avenues of emotions and feelings within different parts of our lives, mirrored in previous experience with an ex-partner,” explains University Lecturer and Chartered Psychologist Rachael Molitor. In other words, the meaning of the dream is usually more complicated than simply “maybe I miss my ex.”
Says Monitor: “While dreams may provide insights into our subconscious thoughts and feelings, it's important to approach them with a balanced perspective and understand that they are reflections of the dreamer’s inner world rather than literal predictions or desire, more of a current emotional state than a need to revisit the previous relationship.”
That said, here's what each type of dream about an ex might mean, according to Monitor:
Dreaming of reuniting with an ex could reflect unresolved feelings or simply a longing for familiarity and comfort associated with the past experiences. It might also indicate a desire to revisit certain aspects of the relationship, whether it be with the ex partner or other relationships. Our dreams may distort the viewpoint making them more positive based on incoming stimuli from friends or fictional tv dramas. It therefore doesn't necessarily mean that the individual wants to actually reconcile in reality.
Dreams about breaking up can be a way for the mind to process the end of a section of our lives, be it the end of a year, timepoint or relationship. It might represent unresolved emotions that took park in the relationship. With our mind reflecting to a particular negative point, may simply be due to the reflection between our current stress levels and those one felt at the end of the relationship. These dreams can also serve as a reminder of the reasons for the separation and help individuals gain closure.
Dreaming of continuing to be with an ex can suggest that the individual is struggling to let go of the relationship. It might indicate that they still have strong feelings for their former partner or that they are clinging to the idea of what the relationship could have been.=
Dreams about fighting with an ex can be an association of heightened emotional in our lives, that resonates with a time similar in the ex’s presence. This can be through potential manifestation of unresolved conflicts or resentment, or a way for the mind to process and release negative emotions through a previous experience.
Dreaming about the early days of a relationship often reflects a longing for the excitement, novelty, and passion that was associated with the start of something. It might indicate a desire to recapture that sense of heightened emotion and intense feelings or to revisit the idealised version of the relationship. These dreams may not suggest the wish to get back with an ex partner, but instead the reflection of something new, positive and exciting back in your life.
Monitor notes that all of this isn't always the case, so don't panic: “While dreams can be a fascinating window into our subconscious, it's important to note that dream interpretation is highly subjective and individual. Most dream analysis is based on general psychological theories and research, and should not be considered definitive. Neither should a dream support a decision when awake, as our dream emotions can be exacerbated by TV programmes, conversations with friends, or even distorted memories. Dreams may reflect emotional processing, unresolved issues, or memories rather than being predictive of real-life events.”
It's the first full moon of autumn and the brightest supermoon of 2024.
What should I do if I keep dreaming about an ex?
Be honest with yourself. If you keep dreaming about an ex, do some self-reflection about why this person might be coming up in your subconscious.
“If these dreams are frequent or distressing, it could be helpful to explore those feelings in more detail,” says Mace.
Do you really miss being with them? Or are you still processing unresolved emotions from the relationship or the breakup? Or maybe, you simply miss the feelings of love and connection you got from that person?
“Ultimately," says Mace, "it's about understanding yourself better and finding peace of mind.”
