As we expand our understanding of the huge range of sexual orientations that exist – and therefore, as we explore everything we know about sexuality – demisexuality is a concept that is coming up more and more frequently.
This week, Killer of the Flower Moon star Lily Gladstone opened up about their sexuality in an interview with the Times. “Lived experience is the important thing, what the hardships you’ve had to face are,” Lily said, before they explained that they identify as "queer," "pansexual," and “straight.”
“I can’t put a label on it,” she went on. “One of the big things that tipped me to my queerness is I don’t have the draw to motherhood the way a lot of women have. There was a period of my life when I thought I might be asexual because I had no sexual attraction to anybody."
Then, they explained that the term “demisexual” made the most sense. “I had a romantic attraction to everybody but no sexual desire,” she said. "Then the word ‘demisexual’ came into play, where it’s, like, I don’t feel sexual stirring at all unless I actually care about this person, no matter who they are.”
Gladstone's comments may leave you wondering — what does it actually mean to be demisexual?
If you are demisexual, you only feel sexually attracted to another person when you have formed a deep emotional connection with them.
While there are not yet any fixed statistics for how many demisexual people there are in the UK, The Guardian reported in 2019 that thousands of people were identifying with demisexuality. And the identification and interest in this sexual orientation is only increasing.
No, it doesn't apply to people who don't treat their sexual partners with respect.
This comes as many of us are beginning to identify with a range of different sexual orientations. It's not because there's a sudden influx of people veering from the traditional heterosexual norm, but because society has grown a lot as a whole, and we are finally recognising and accepting our differences when it comes to sexual orientation.
While some people may reject labels, others find they aid understanding, as well as provide a sense of belonging through common experiences and emotions.
“People think I must be unlovable, fussy or mentally ill.”
Different sexual orientations include:
- Heterosexual - when someone is sexually and romantically attracted to the opposite sex.
- Homosexual - when someone is sexually and romantically attracted to the same sex.
- Bisexual - when someone is sexually and romantically attracted to males and females, or towards more than one gender.
- Pansexual - when someone is sexually and romantically attracted towards people regardless of their sex or gender identity.
- Asexual - when someone doesn't feel sexual attraction towards anyone at all.
Kate Black, 30, from Coventry, is someone who identifies as demisexual. “When I was younger, around 18 to 22, I often felt out of place because I didn’t experience attraction like my friends did,” she says. “For years, I even thought I might be asexual since casual flings never felt right, and I struggled to feel a genuine spark.”
For Black, demisexuality means her attraction to someone only develops when she forms a bond with someone, and is closely tied to someone's intelligence. “In a previous relationship, my ex had been trying to date me for quite a while, but I just wasn’t interested initially,” she says. After having a deeper conversation with him, Black found that this potential partner was studying aerospace engineering and had aspirations of becoming an astronaut. “It was like a switch flipped,” she says. “I felt an intense attraction to him, even sexually, which rarely happens. Intelligence and ambition just instantly draw me in.”
For people who are demisexual, like Black, it doesn't matter how objectively attractive a person is. “Watching shows like Love Island, I feel so disconnected from the idea of instant attraction,” explains Black. “Even with someone considered a ‘10/10’, I don’t experience that immediate physical pull. For me, it’s all about the mind and a meaningful bond.”
We spoke to two sex and relationship experts to answer all the burning questions you might have about exactly what demisexuaity is, how you can tell if you're demisexual, and how it differs from other sexual orientations.
Meet the experts
Annabelle Knight is a UK based expert specialising in dating, sex, body language, and relationships. She has qualifications in couples counselling, life coaching, and has a diploma in psychosexual therapy. She is also a sex toy expert for Lovehoney.
Danny Zane is a BACP and NCPS registered integrative therapist and counsellor at North London Therapy, specialising in relationships, narcissism, neurodiversity and abuse - among others.
What is demisexuality?
“Demisexuality is a sexual orientation where a person can only be sexually attracted to a person once a close emotional bond has been formed,” explains Knight. “As is the same with all sexual orientations, demisexual describes a person’s feelings rather than their behaviour. Demisexuals can have sex, be sexually attracted to, and be in relationships with people of all genders. They can also be sex neutral, sex favourable or sex repulsed.”
Emily Cooper's ménage à trois was a serious let-down.
How do I know if I'm demisexual?
Knight explains that there are some tell-tale signs that could help you discover if you are demisexual. “You may recognise certain patterns with your past dating behaviour,”, she says. "Such as having long-term relationships that start as friendships, or not being interested in casual sex or one-night stands when you are single."
If you think you might be demisexual, start by asking yourself some questions to help understand your feelings. Ask yourself who have you been sexually attracted to in the past, and what was your relationship to them like?
Below are some questions that Zane suggests you can ask yourself to help figure out if you're demisexual.
- Do you feel sexual attraction only after forming a deep emotional connection with someone?
- Have you often felt no sexual attraction toward people you've just met?
- Do you find emotional intimacy more important than physical attraction in relationships?
- How do you feel about casual relationships or hookups?
One isn’t the loneliest number, actually.
Is demisexuality the same as asexuality?
Zane explains that although demisexuality and asexuality are similar, they are not the same thing. “Both involve limited sexual attraction compared to allosexual people,” he says. “Demisexuals typically experience sexual attraction only after forming a strong emotional connection, while asexual people generally do not experience sexual attraction at all.”
Zane goes on to explain that some people view demisexuality as a sub-label of asexuality, as it reflects a specific experience on the asexual spectrum.
What's the difference between demisexuality and being demiromantic?
“Despite their similar sounding names, there is a difference between demisexual and demiromantic,” explains Knight. "While demisexual people must feel a strong emotional connection in order to feel sexual attraction, folks who are demiromantic must feel a strong emotional connection in order to feel romantic attraction.”
For people who identify as demisexual, it can be important to have that individual sexual orientation label, separate from asexuality and other similar orientations. “People who identify as demisexual may have grown up feeling different from those around them, especially when it comes to navigating the world of sex and relationships as a teenager”, says Knight. "If someone didn’t have similar feelings of sexual attraction or as much interest in sex as their friends, having a label that they can identify with not only provides a sense of belonging, but also explains and validates their feelings.”
Zane adds: “People seeking community and belonging may find that their label will attract other, similar people. By defining their experiences, demisexuals can communicate their needs and boundaries more effectively in relationships, which can improve their emotional wellbeing and bring fulfilment.”
