Amber Rose

Four letters = a world of hate. It's time to shut 'slut' down

By Glamour

17 February 2016

Image may contain Text Banner Human Person Crowd Parade and Protest

Emily Lindin, founder of The UnSlut Project, reports on the word that hurts us all.

"Because I enjoy sex." "Because of how I

look." "Because I like to flirt."

Why does a woman get labelled a 'slut'? I

asked this question at a SlutWalk in Los Angeles and these are some

of the reasons that women told me they had been slammed with the

'S' word. The women I met were there to celebrate their female

sexuality, and to protest the idea that it's somehow dirty or

shameful. The event was organised by actress and model Amber Rose, in response to negative public

comments by both her exes - Kanye West and Wiz Khalifa - about her past

work as a stripper.

I was there in solidarity, encouraging people

to share their experiences through my organisation, The UnSlut Project. While Amber Rose and other proponents of SlutWalks

want to reclaim and redefine the word, my approach is to undo the

whole concept of a 'slut'.

Once we try to define 'slut', it falls

apart pretty quickly.FullWidthId¬f0a7gDisplayStyle¬1]

'Slut' shaming means implying that a girl or

woman should feel guilty or inferior for her real - or perceived -

sexual behaviour. You might have seen 'slut' shaming written as

just plain slut shaming, but I always put the word 'slut' in quotes

to convey my contempt for that word - and my assertion that a

'slut' is not really a thing that exists at all.

After all, how do you define 'slut'? A

promiscuous woman? A woman who has had too many partners? A woman

who has casual sex? But what makes someone 'promiscuous'? How many

is too many partners? And what qualifies as 'casual' sex?

Once we try to define 'slut', it falls apart

pretty quickly. It can mean anything the person using it wants it

to mean, from 'someone with big breasts' to 'a girl with a bad

reputation'. Its danger lies in its flexibility: 'slut' is a

catch-all insult for disparaging and discrediting women.

I started The UnSlut Project back in 2013, by

blogging my diary entries from when I was labelled the school

'slut' nearly two decades ago, at the age of 11. Sharing my story

was an invitation for women everywhere to speak out about theirs,

and the project has grown into a supportive online community where

people can share their experiences of sexual bullying.

I speak with women from all over the world and

the stories are the same: we are judged for what we wear, whom we

sleep with or don't sleep with, what our bodies look like, flirting

too much or not enough, or any number of other non-reasons.

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I have heard from a woman whose ex-boyfriend

ruined her reputation at work by circulating nude photographs of

her without her consent. Another woman told me how someone had set

up multiple Twitter accounts for the sole purpose of 'slut' shaming

her. Just do a quick search for 'slut' on Twitter and you'll see

the way social media is being used to continue this long, tragic

tradition. (On second thoughts, please don't do that search - it

will totally ruin your day.)

Sometimes, we even 'slut' shame each other. It

can be subtle. We raise our eyebrows at the newly single friend

who's been on her fourth Tinder date in a week. We roll our eyes

and label someone an oversharer when they joke about their trip to

the STI clinic. I'm just as guilty of this; in my twenties, I used

to catch myself thinking or saying judgemental things about other

women. This day-to-day, low-level disapproval has become so

normalised, it often feels awkward not to participate - but it

perpetuates the problem. As Tina Fey's character in Mean Girls

tells her students, "You all have got to stop calling each other

sluts and whores. It just makes it OK for guys to call you sluts

and whores." The film came out over a decade ago, but it couldn't

be more relevant today.

We see 'slut' shaming played out in the public

sphere, too - from criticism of Taylor Swift's dating life, to commentators

blaming Jennifer Lawrence and other female celebrities

when their nude photos are hacked and shared without their consent.

Then we have women like 23-year-old Olivia Melville, who was abused

and humiliated on the internet when a man screen-grabbed her Tinder

profile (featuring sexual lyrics from a song by Drake) and shared

it online.

When we find ourselves judged or

discriminated against, we need to talk about

it.KeepInlineId¬hgafnDisplayStyle¬1]

We all suffer because of it - not just when

we're the target - because we internalise the 'slut' shaming

messages around us. We tell ourselves that men give us unwanted

attention because we 'tempt' them or invite them. We feel guilty

for embracing our sexuality. We apologise for simply having a body.

We understand that sexual rumours, even baseless ones, can destroy

our credibility.

While we might be tempted to brush off

everyday instances of 'slut' shaming, the effects can be

devastating. According to the Home Office and Ministry of Justice,

only 15% of women who have been raped report the crime to the

police. The most common reason they gave for not reporting? It was

too embarrassing. For some women, the fear of having their sexual

behaviour judged and examined in the open - as if they somehow

participated in the attack - is too much. They have to fight

against the same old tired argument that women are somehow to blame

in sexual attacks. We exist in a world where the women who spoke up

about Bill Cosby's crimes against them are called

'sluts'.

The situation is depressing and frustrating.

But we have the power to change it. Until recently we didn't have

the term 'slut' shaming; labelling the problem was the first step

to fighting it. Now we need to share our stories. When we find

ourselves judged or discriminated against because of how we date,

have sex or express our sexuality, we need to talk about it. Once

we communicate these experiences, we find solidarity in other

women, and we de-stigmatise the stories we've been socialised to

hide and feel embarrassed about.

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Then we need to speak up for each other. When

we witness 'slut' shaming, we can either awkwardly ignore it or

stand up to it. People know that 'slut' is an easy way to destroy a

woman's credibility. Some men will use that as a tool when their

feelings are hurt, when they're angry, or when they're

rejected.

When a guy puts a woman down for her sexual

behaviour, let's show them Emma Watson's speech on gender equality.

Let's remind them that Sir Richard Branson, Prince Harry and Daniel Craig are feminists. Let's first try to

call them into the conversation; if they won't listen, let's call

them out.

We can also applaud those women who use their

platform to challenge the status quo. Women like Amy Schumer, whose comedy mocks gender

expectations (she even had an episode called Slut Shaming in her

Emmy-winning series, Inside Amy Schumer). Or singer Ariana Grande, who called out the double

standards of her misogynistic critics, Tweeting: "If a woman has a

lot of sex (or any sex for that matter)… she's a 'slut'. If a man

has sex, HE'S A STUD. A BOSSSSSS. A KING."

And finally, we can change our own attitudes,

and avoid the trap of joining in the problem. The next time you

catch yourself thinking a 'slut'-shaming thought, ask yourself,

'Why should someone else's choices have any effect on me at all?'

Instead of judging, let's work together to undo that part of our

culture. Things don't have to be this way. Sex and our sexuality do

not define us. As women, we are not either a 'slut' or a 'good

girl.' We don't have to be forced into one of these two tiny

boxes.

UnSlut: A Diary And A Memoir by Emily Lindin is out now. unslutproject.com

@UnSlutProject