If you're anything like me, you probably had a self-defence class at school or during Girl Guides and at the time, it all sounded like common sense. ‘It’s all pretty straightforward', I recall telling my parents on my return home, while showing off my newfound skills for snatching a knife off an attacker. Of course, I never practiced the skills again nor did any of it feel like the sort of things I could actually incorporate into my pretty beige life.
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That's exactly why I think we all need to read Della O’Sullivan's new book, Fight Like a Girl: An empowering self-defence guide for all women. O'Sullivan is a women's martial arts expert and draws on her years of experience to give a practical guide on protecting ourselves - from body language to adopt everyday and tips on spotting red flags to thinking like a survivor (the author was a victim to a stalker and turned to martial arts as a means of becoming less vulnerable).
Below, an extract from the book.
Confident body language and visually asserting yourself
Do not change your behaviour so that someone else doesn’t have to. I don’t believe in this. I do, however, believe in human psychology, and that what we believe about ourselves manifests physically in our demeanour, in the way we sit, walk and communicate. And others will inevitably pick up on that.
For example, I know of a male martial artist who joined a club, trained really hard and became super-skilled because he was con- stantly getting bullied. However, because this man did not do any internal work (which he admitted himself) and gained no self-awareness through the process, his newfound aggression and confidence was so clear in his body language that it seemed to outsiders that he was challenging them to a fight.
He may as well have been wearing a big red sign saying ‘I dare you to fight me’ – and people did try to fight him. He handled the situation well, which he was pleased about, but what he wasn’t pleased about was that he had started this process to stop the unwanted attention, and now he was still getting it, just in a different way. Good for him, though, he had the humility to look at himself and adjust his body language.
The point here is that toughness doesn’t always need to be on show; self-defence is the art of avoidance. I have met some of the most skilled people and you wouldn’t even notice them in a room. They are both unassuming and present.
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This is what we need to be. We don’t need to look super-passive, because that attracts attention, and we don’t need to be super- aggressive, because that also attracts attention. We just want to be ready and able, calm and present.
‘What you feel will emit that energy.’ Kerry Howard, Therapist
Adjusting your body language is not for the benefit of others, it is for you, as the language we use, verbally or physically, affects what we think, feel and believe about ourselves. If you are interested to know what to do if someone wants to harm you physically, well, it all starts here in our thoughts. Notice when you are feeling defeated, low or sad, and try putting your shoulders back. Or, if you feel over- whelmed or frustrated, kneel on the floor, get grounded or even do some push-ups, as if you are literally pushing that feeling away from your heart’s centre.
Empowering body language
As I suggested in Chapter 2: Mental Discernment and Self-belief, show up for yourself mentally first and you will find that your body language follows. This practice has aided me to feel grounded when anxiety has arisen. Try the following:
- When walking, create a posture you would imagine yourself having if you felt totally confident and knew your own worth. Keep that position. Now imagine a string pulling your head up towards the sky. Picture a straight line running from each earlobe through your shoulders, hips and ankles. This is a firm stance, which projects confidence both internally and externally. You will look tall no matter your height and it gives an energetic shift to how you may be feeling about yourself or if you feel worried about your walk home.
- When sitting, keep your back firmly against the back of your chair. Keep your feet planted on the ground; this will allow you to get up quickly without having to lean forwards.
- Even just the motion of swinging your arms a bit more than you normally would when you’re walking can make you feel more confident, and the more confident you feel, the more confident you will look to others.
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- Make eye contact – I know it can feel intimidating, but someone who avoids eye contact will appear distracted or lacking in confidence. And sometimes eye contact can teach you a lot about others’ intentions. You do not have to make eye contact with someone you feel is a threat, just be aware of them, but in your day-to-day practices, when interacting with people, make an effort to make eye contact. A great tip is to imagine looking at the colour of someone’s eyes instead of looking directly at their eyes. I find this less intimidating and a good way to maintain eye contact when I want to.
- Keep your chest up and your shoulders back always, even when sitting. Again, this demonstrates confidence and self-assurance. Try sitting with your shoulders curled forward and chest in, and see how that feels, then try putting your shoulders back and opening up your chest with your head pulled up and see how that feels. It really does make a difference to how we feel about ourselves inside.
This extract is from Fight Like a Girl: An empowering self-defence guide for all women by Della O’Sullivan, out 25th May (HarperNonFiction, £12.99).
