There’s one perceived enemy to feminism that – no matter how hard we’ve tried – we’ve failed to conquer: our biological clock. It’s dictated to us, disrupted us, demonised us and depressed us. For years, we’ve been fed warnings about our (very real) ‘ticking time bomb of fertility’; endless scare stories of single women ‘selfishly’ pursuing careers over motherhood or ‘leaving it too late’ to settle down.
Well, guess what? We’ve had enough! More and more single millennial women are now seizing back the power and choosing either to become mothers on their own, or not at all – all on their own agenda.
Whereas, yes, previously we were often waiting for ‘Mr Right’ or getting ahead in our careers and fearing solo motherhood as a ‘last resort’, this is no longer the case. As many of us hit our mid-thirties, or sometimes earlier, we’re making friends with our fertility and working with the clock, not against it. We’re recognising the realities that no matter how young you look on the outside, we cannot slow down the fertility ageing process – and so are using the resources available to create families at a time that is right for us.
Of course, women having children on their own isn't completely new, but this is about choosing solo motherhood as opposed to feeling pushed into it by time or circumstances. And choice, after all, is the very essence of feminism.
Jenny Nash, is 36, and 16 months ago became a Solo Mother by Choice (SMC) to her daughter, Dorothy, who was conceived using a sperm donor.
‘I had a hysterectomy when I was 28, but the coverage of the first womb transplant in the UK made me feel uneasy’
“I was 30 when I first started thinking about this,” she says. “A friend thought I’d be an amazing mum and asked if I’d consider using a donor, because another single friend of hers had. Although I’d been in a relationship, it hadn’t come to anything and I wasn’t really dating, but I desperately wanted to be a mother. At first, I wasn’t sure, but then I started thinking, ‘Why would I stick to this old-fashioned ideal of falling in love, getting married and having a baby, when I can still follow my dream and pursue what I want on my own?’”
Jenny, who is a teacher from Exeter, did some preliminary research, but it wasn’t until three years later, after her grandmother died, that she became serious about it. “I remember my mum saying how sad it was that Gran would never see me find someone and have a baby, and I just said, ‘Well, actually, I’ve been thinking about doing it alone.’ My family were immediately supportive, which actually shocked me, but in a good way.” Jenny, who now lives with her mother and grandfather who help with childcare, does remember a friend’s husband questioning her decision. “He asked me, ‘Well, don’t you ever want to find a man?’ as if doing this on my own would rule that out completely,” she recalls. “I said, ‘I’m pretty sure people who have kids can still meet someone.’”
Jenny now runs the Facebook group Solo Mothers by Choice UK, which, in just a year since its launch now has over 1,000 members. “There are a lot of younger members for whom this is a first choice, not a back-up plan,” she explains. “There’s a feeling of, ‘This is what I want to do’ as opposed to ‘I’m running out of time and I need to have a baby before I am too old.’”
Recent statistics mirror this baby boom. Latest figures from the Human Fertilisation & Embryology Authority (HFEA) show that an increased number of single women are choosing in-vitro fertilisation (IVF) — the number has increased from 1,400 in 2012 to 4,800 in 2022. Similarly, the number of treatment cycles where women used their own eggs with donor sperm went up by 50% in the UK between 2013 and 2018, and treatment cycles for single women using donor insemination has also seen a steady increase.
Charlie Hewett, 32, is mother to nine-month-old Phineas, also conceived through a donor. “By the age of 24, I thought I really want to be a mum,” she explains. “I had tried dating apps, but had never really clicked with anyone and kept coming back to the idea I wanted to be a mum. So, I did research, realised I could do it on my own and then started saving up for treatment.”
Sperm donation and treatment in the UK – either medical IUI (intrauterine insemination, where sperm is inserted directly into the womb) or IVF (in vitro fertilisation, where the eggs and sperm are combined in a laboratory and reinserted into the womb) – can typically cost between £5,000 and £9,000 (sperm usually costs around £800 to over £1,000) and it is extremely rare to receive NHS-funded treatment as a single woman.
Natalie Gamble, one of the UK’s leading fertility lawyers and founder of NGA Law, explains that there are various routes to conceiving as a solo mother, each with their own legal implication.
“They could do it through a clinic with an unknown donor, or they could conceive with a known donor, perhaps a friend or someone they meet online,” she says. “There can be big legal differences in terms of whether the donor is considered a fine parent, whether he has a right to be legally involved and whether he is financially responsible for the child, so being clear about the legal position is so important.”
Natalie points out that UK law has only really recognised solo mothers using donors in the past 11 years.
“Many years ago, UK law required clinics to ‘consider the child’s need for a father’ before giving treatment,” she says, “which was a veiled discouragement of clinics treating solo mothers, but that was changed in 2009, to make sure solo mothers could access fertility treatment with the same rights as couples.”
While some women may choose home insemination, the HFEA always advises for safety, health and for legal reasons to have treatment at a licensed clinic. This means it is legally recorded on the HFEA’s statutory register, which can be accessed by donor-conceived people, who in the UK have a right to learn the identity of their donor once they turn 18.
With a milestone birthday looming, Laura Hampson reflects on her 20s and why it’s OK if what you planned doesn’t always work out.
Nina Barnsley is the director of the Donor Conception Network, a charity that supports families using donors – and of the 2,000 members, 650 are single women. “It’s not something the single women we speak to go into lightly and they tend to take it very responsibly,” she says. “There is a big difference between being a single mum by choice or being one whose partner is just not around, because he still has a name and potentially he may be seeing his child or contributing financially.”
Of course, female emancipation and the very fact that we no longer need to rely on men financially is a huge contributing factor in all this.
Nevertheless, all SMC I speak to have been mindful of the financial and social implications of their choice. “A lot of people saw it as an unusual or unexpected route,” admits Charlie. “But I am fiercely independent and when I was 28, I thought I was ready to do it. But it was my brother who advised me to wait until I had my own home and I was over 30. He said then people would be less likely to say, ‘Oh you’ve got plenty of time.’ So, I moved from London back to Devon to be near my family, brought my own home and at 31 got pregnant, first time.”
Charlie and Phineas now live 10 minutes away from her mother, who helps with childcare, and she works for the family shipping business.
Charlie also points to previous generations’ notion of the ‘fairy-tale’ of marriage, house and babies no longer being relevant to many millennials. “I think a lot of women have in the past tended to base everything on this ideal we are fed as a child,” she says. “Or they’ll compare themselves to their parents, but life is changing. We live in a world with so many more choices and options available to us than ever before.”
Mel Johnson, 41, is a SMC and founder of The Stork and I, which provides coaching and counselling to women choosing solo motherhood. “I have definitely seen an increase of women in their late twenties and early thirties reaching out lately,” she admits. “They can see there are different choices and options all with pros and cons. These women don’t seem to be grieving for the loss of their fantasy life with a partner to have a child with. They are feeling empowered and deciding to take this route as opposed to waiting for a suitable man to come along, which might take too long.”
No. Not exactly. Every woman I speak to is unanimous; this route takes the pressure off finding your ‘baby daddy’, liberating you to look for a healthy romantic relationship in the future. They point to the dangers of rushing into the wrong relationship due to biological pressure and how potentially damaging a split or a bad relationship with the father could be for the child.
Kate Marchant, 26, has chosen her donor sperm and is starting IVF in October. “When I was dating, it was always with the view of, ‘Can I have a family with you?’ I realised that’s not a realistic way to start a relationship, so why would I force that, when I am able to have a child on my own?” she explains.
Charlie agrees: “If you take the time factor out and say, ‘I am going to have a child at this age,’ you still have the rest of your life to meet someone.”
“If you feel pressured by your biological clock, you might compromise on who you date and overlook personality traits and perspectives that don’t match your own, just to try to start a family. Whereas after having a baby your own, it enables women to find someone better suited and more of a ‘Mr Right’ for them and their family.”
Jane Knight, a specialist fertility nurse counsellor at the Zita West Fertility Clinic, with over 30 years’ experience, also agrees she’s seen a shift and that single women are now perhaps prioritising starting a family, due to the limitations brought about by the pandemic. “Travel for example, has become pretty impossible, which is something people always normally aspire to, but now it’s become tricky, so you start to look closer to home,” she says. “The world has had time to stop and reflect, and women are starting to think about what some of the priorities are in life.”
Although, for some, lockdown has had the opposite effect, such as Sasha*, 30, who has decided that she does not want children. “During lockdown I watched my two older sisters take on all of the childcare, while still trying to juggle their jobs,” she says. “All those gender inequalities that still exist – around women being the main homemaker and parenting responsibilities falling on their shoulders – seemed to come to the forefront. For me, it just doesn’t seem worth the sacrifices both financially and to my independence.”
We need to rewrite the script.
For Kate however, pursuing solo motherhood at the age of 26 was actually a financial incentive, as she intends to egg share – donating half the harvested eggs to her clinic, and thus waiving her own IVF costs.
“Not all clinics do it,” she explains. “The age limit is 32, because a lot of older women don’t actually produce enough eggs to share.” Kate will be saving around £7,500, only paying £750 for the donor sperm.
Of course, it’s not all plain sailing and being a solo mother undoubtedly has its tough moments. “The hardest part is that financially, it can be really challenging,” admits Charlie. “It’s hard to cover maternity leave and childcare needs in the early years as, in my experience, it’s all very much favoured towards a two-income household. I also find it tough not having someone to check things with, like a rash or a bump, and you can spiral and become neurotic. Luckily, I’ve got my mum who lives 10 minutes away and I’ve got aunts, uncles and grandparents locally, too. It also helps knowing friends and family you trust are nearby and can step in if something were to happen to me in any way.”
All the women I speak to point to the importance of support when making this decision, ensuring that childcare systems are in place in order to maintain their working lives and income. Jane points out that, in such planning, this new model of parenting is also responsible.
“I think more and more women are feeling that they have support from family in all sorts of circumstances and also across all cultures,” she says. “Now families seem to be seeing this other way of doing things, recognising it and supporting it. It really is a huge shift, socially.”
This article originally appeared in a 2020 issue of GLAMOUR magazine.
Human Fertilisation & Embryology Authority:
NGA Law: ngalaw.co.uk
Donor Conception Network:
Donor Conception Network | Supporting families through donor conception
Fertility Network UK:
