Just when you thought that ghosting or quiet dumping was the worst thing that could ever happen to you in the dating world, you found out about micro cheating. “Micro cheating” covers the more subtle, greyer areas of potential infidelity — the ”trend" was introduced to social media a few years ago. And naturally, TikTok has been obsessed with it ever since.
But what counts as micro cheating, and what counts as acceptable friendly behaviour towards a person who isn't your monogamous partner?
From Ariana Grande to queens of heartbreak, Taylor Swift and Lily Allen.
What is "micro cheating"?
The term may be relatively new, but the act itself is not. "Micro cheating" is a special type of cheating: as the name suggests, it's not about kissing or sex, but about more subtle actions that may not even be perceived as cheating at first.
“Micro cheating is a term used to describe a series of seemingly small, subtle actions and behaviours that may not seem like infidelity but can certainly be classed as emotional infidelity within a romantic relationship,” Sam Rowland-Jones, personal matchmaker at global dating agency Ignite Dating, says. “It's a concept that revolves around the idea that even minor actions, if done covertly or with a level of deceit, can erode the trust and intimacy in a relationship.”
These are small things that are deliberately concealed by the partner. For example: the partner asks someone outside the relationship for their number without telling the person in the relationship. Or the partner registers on a dating portal.
The reason micro cheating is perceived as dangerous is due to its subtlety – it could be that you're engaging with this kind of behaviour and not realising it could mess with the trust dynamic you have with your partner.
If the mini-scam does come to light at some point, it can destroy the relationship as there is no longer any trust. This is because the cheating is not necessarily in the act itself, but in the concealment.
What actions count as “micro cheating”?
Seeing as it's such a complicated term, it's important to know what exactly might count as micro cheating. Sam suggests that it “typically involves actions that suggest a person is emotionally or romantically invested in someone outside their committed relationship.”
She suggests that this could be “secretive texting or messaging – particularly if they are immediately deleted in case they are found by the other partners in question; emotionally confiding; making excuses to spend time alone with each other; comparing partners and fantasising about the other person”.
How do you recognise "micro cheating"?
If you suspect "micro cheating" in your own relationship, the only thing that will help is a clarifying conversation — with a coach or therapist if necessary. And please don't start poking around in your partner's belongings or phone for clues.
How do you know if you should investigate the suspicion? It is advisable to listen to your instincts. Is your partner more absent or distant than usual over a longer period of time? Then you should definitely talk to them. However, it's best to do so without directly accusing them of "micro-cheating".
Sam adds that there are things worth looking out for, including “excessive secrecy about their phone, social media accounts and other digital devices. Are they constantly on their phone whilst you’re together but not allow you to see who they’re messaging?”
Other behavioural patterns to look for is periods of emotional distance or lack of intimacy and/or “vague excuses to spend time alone with someone such as a co-worker or friend, without offering a clear explanation of what they're doing”.
Is there a difference between emotional cheating and micro cheating?
For clarity, Sam defines emotional cheating (a term many of us have debated from time to time) as “forming a deep emotional connection or attachment with someone outside the committed relationship”. She says that the difference with micro cheating is that it “may not be as emotionally intense as in emotional cheating”.
“These actions are not as overtly romantic or intimate but can still signal potential romantic or flirtatious interest in someone outside the relationship,” she explains, stressing that the impact of micro cheating on a relationship can be “more subtle and gradual”.
“It may create a sense of unease, insecurity, or emotional distance in the relationship over time, rather than an immediate and profound impact.”
Sam adds that micro cheating can be more impactful than physical cheating in some instances, due to the impact emotional infidelity can have on the foundations of a monogamous relationship.
Is "micro cheating" always that bad?
The "cheating phenomenon" is a constant source of discussion on X, Instagram and the like: while some users believe that the things mentioned above are clearly "micro cheating", others argue that it always depends on the type of relationship. After all, not every relationship is the same, and what one couple would clearly classify as cheating is completely normal for another.
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For example, cheating doesn't necessarily have to be something secretive or even problematic, especially if you have already discussed with your partner how the other person feels about it and where clear boundaries lie. Because let's be honest — anyone who claims, like content creator @bennetbehnke, that even multiple eye contact on a night out could be considered "micro cheating" seems to be more of a "toxic masculinity" influencer. Come on guys, aren't we a little more confident than that?
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How can you tell if you’re micro cheating?
It's important to carefully examine any behaviour you think could be verging on micro cheating:
“If you find yourself constantly thinking about another person outside of the relationship and it appears to be mutual, with frequent secretive communication, flirtation and perhaps sexual innuendo, the likelihood is that you are taking part in micro cheating,” Sam explains. “The two of you may compare each other to your partners, have discussions you know would hurt your partners so are immediately deleted and share your deepest thoughts and emotions.”
What boundaries can be put in place to prevent or deal with micro cheating?
Sam suggests having a clear conversation with your partner about what each of you defines micro cheating to be, specifically, to avoid any ambiguity or confusion down the line.
“Define the concept and clarify what behaviours are considered acceptable or unacceptable within the context of your relationship,” she says. "Understand and respect each other’s boundaries, insecurities, and concerns if they are reasonable.
“Effective communication involves not just talking but also hearing and respecting each other's views. Work together to set boundaries that feel comfortable and respectful for both of you. Avoid dictating boundaries; instead, create them as a joint agreement that reflects your shared values and priorities.” She adds that it's important to discuss any past experiences, insecurities, or concerns that may influence your boundaries.
“When you're in it, it's hard to see the erosion.”
Sam also recommends agreeing what is acceptable in terms of maintaining relationships with friends of the opposite sex or other genders. “Clarify boundaries regarding one-on-one interactions and emotional intimacy with friends,” she says. “Ensure that your partner feels valued and prioritised over other relationships."
While it's important to communicate boundaries, the most important thing is to “respect each other's individual space and independence” in order to maintain trust.
“Keep in mind that trust is crucial in a relationship," Sam says. "Avoid engaging in behaviours that could damage trust and make it more challenging to maintain your boundaries.”
It's a complicated balance between maintaining your own space and cultivating trust with your partner – and both begin with communication to navigate away from the tricky waters of micro cheating.
A version of this article appeared on GLAMOUR (Germany).
