‘Internalised misogyny’ is a phrase you may have heard buzzing around over the last couple of years, online and in the media. The first time I heard and understood ‘internalised misogyny’, it felt like an ‘aha’ moment. I was at a feminist event in 2017 and someone broke down the concept. Back then, we referred to it as ‘internalised sexism’, and it wasn’t a mainstream concept. ‘Internalised misogyny’ started to become a commonplace turn of phrase in feminist circles, around 2020, and has now entered everyday vernacular in 2023. But what actually is it? And how does it manifest itself?
What is internalised misogyny?
We live in a society that oppresses marginalised people and instils certain beliefs, whether that’s misogyny, racism, ableism and patriarchy. As products of society, we all absorb these dominant ideologies, even if we are part of the community who is being oppressed. More broadly speaking, we call this internalised violence. A lot of women respond to internalised misogyny by saying “I can’t hate women, I am a woman!” Which, fundamentally, is just not true. But it’s also – more often than not – unconscious.
Women are constantly inundated with messaging and acts of misogyny that drill into us that we are ‘less than’, that we do not deserve bodily autonomy, and that men are superior. We absorb this. And sometimes, these values stay absorbed. They don’t live quietly in us, instead, they are regurgitated and parroted out into the world, adding to the system of oppression. The oppressed becomes the oppressor.
This week, a lot of people have been discussing Jackie from Love is Blind. She was coupled up with Marshall, but ended things, because she wanted him to “man up” and be “a little aggressive.” She is seen reinforcing damaging masculine stereotypes, like the idea that men have to be dominant and aggressive in heterosexual, romantic relationships. A belief that is intrinsically patriarchal: Does Jackie not believe she deserves someone gentle and kind? Why do we, as women, put characteristics that hurt us and are linked with male violence, on a pedestal? A lot of people on the internet are very upset at Jackie, but I think we need to offer her grace and education - she is a young woman, working out what she actually wants from a partner, on a huge platform. It’s ‘toxic’, but above all she is hurting herself more than anyone else. Hopefully, from this experience on Love is Blind, she will start the process of unlearning heteronormative and misogynistic dating tropes and eventually be ready for a partner like Marshall.
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Over the last few weeks, the frightening wave of transphobia in the UK has increased (largely down to right-wing press and politicians scapegoating trans people as a ‘look over there’ tactic). What I’m seeing is that a lot of the discourse, from cis women attacking trans women, is greatly linked to internalised misogyny. TERFs (TERF is an acronym for trans-exclusionary radical feminist) have taken to Twitter to attack Daniel Radcliffe’s girlfriend (because he is vocally supporting trans people). They are insinuating that she ‘looks’ trans.
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This one example has layers and layers of misogyny. For example, the fact that they are attacking Daniel’s girlfriend, because they see her as an extension of him, enforcing this idea of male ownership over women. The way they are using unattainable patriarchal beauty standards (which oppress women) to attack her appearance, that are based in misogyny. How they believe that trans women ‘look’ a certain way, re ‘masculine’, a belief that hurts cis women also. So much of Terfism is rooted in misogyny and a sign of self-hatred.
How does internalised misogyny manifest in society?
Internalised misogyny is incredibly insidious; sometimes it’s glaringly obvious, other times it’s pervasive and subtle. On Reddit, users have been discussing some examples of internalised misogyny that they’re trying to unlearn. Here are a few:
- “That other women aren't my competition.”
- “That women who do makeup, nails, or pay attention to the way they look are not shallow or self-conceited. “Girly” should not be an insult.”
- “Referring to women in their 20s and 30s (including myself) as ‘girls’”
- “The ‘I’m not like the other girls’ trope. I'm just like other women, and I like most of them.”
- “Sayin « son of a bitch » to insult a guy. Like seriously if i want to hurt him why I’m insulting his mother 😭If i say « bastard » well it means that his mom cheated on his father. Crazy how so much slurs are related to women. Have to stop sayin that.”
- “Virginity is a concept”
- “That my worth and existence as a woman isn't entirely decided by my appearance. That I don't need to achieve a standard of prettiness before I'm worthy of respect, love and self-confidence.”
- “That sex is not something women give to men, but something BOTH parties (should) enjoy.”
- “My knowledge isn’t less valuable or accurate than a man’s knowledge.”
- “Pink did not do anything wrong. It's a colour.”
- “Women who post sexy stuff on the internet are not necessarily doing it for attention or validation. I'm so judgmental of that sometimes and I really hate myself for it.”
- “Being ‘girly’ is not wrong. The disrespect shown towards ‘typical’ female interests, i.e. pumpkin spice, yoga, makeup, etc. is because it is considered female. Even though women are more than half the population, their interests are considered ‘silly’.”
- “Referring to all animals as ‘he’. Male is not the default.”
- “That I don't get along better with men, they get along better with me because they have incentive to do so.”
A lot of these examples are about language and stereotypes, but they all relate back to the same sentiment: we are taught to hate women and femmes. Both others and ourselves. We are taught to hate our shared characteristics, interests and anything that is seen as hyper-feminine.
How do I unlearn internalised misogyny?
Speaking with Dr Anthea Todd, a ‘holistic women’s health practitioner’, she says “As I was asked to comment on the psychological impacts of internalised misogyny I couldn’t help but feel like a fraud. I’m a women’s health practitioner, I have the title Doctor, I have 4 degrees and 10 years experience, AND I’m a woman. But what would I know? This speaks to a thought I have been having recently that the default position many women feel is that power is something that they have to work for, and for men, power is something that can be taken away from them. To paraphrase Spiderman’s uncle, In any given situation the person who assumes responsibility has the most power. So when I feel powerless or a patient feels powerless, I often ask; who have you given responsibility to? Who have you decided to trust more than yourself to know what’s best for you?”
“So how do we get our power back?” Asks Dr Anthea, “We connect back into our body and lean into deep trust that we know what’s best for ourselves and let go of the belief you have to have a reason behind your deep knowing. The reason is you feel it and your deep trust enables you to act on it. That I feel is one giant leap for womankind.”
There is no ‘right’ way to unlearn internalised misogyny. It is deeply ingrained in us, from girlhood, from generation to generation. The first and more important step is recognising that internalised misogyny exists and accepting that as truth. Hopefully, mainstream conversations on this topic will increase (with articles like this), and the concept will reach far and wide.
Slowly, you will start to stop yourself saying or thinking misogynistic beliefs and, eventually, it’ll become second nature.
Finally, you will begin calling out others who are still in the pits of internalised misogyny, and do your bit to shift how society and large views women.
