One night, doom scrolling through TikTok, I came across a video of a young woman videoing her normal daily life with the heading ,‘You’ve accepted that you’re no one’s favourite friend’. I looked over at the caption and here’s what it said: “I’ve always been a floater friend. I really do wish I had a best friend that I could’ve enjoyed ‘girlhood’ with and go out on coffee dates, shopping trips etc but I guess I wasn’t part of the chosen ones.” I thought, why do I relate to this so much?
One morning, during Glamour UK's morning meeting, I brought this up with the team and wow did it seem to hit a nerve with people in the office. I never thought this would resonate with so many of us.
So what exactly is a ‘floater friend’? Being the floater friend, you are a part of lots of different friendship groups but are never the core friend in these groups. You’re not invited to everything they do, perhaps you feel like the filler friend if another core member can’t attend a meet up or maybe you’re single and feel like the token single friend at Friday night drinks. If you're nodding along, you're not alone, many people seem themselves as the floater friend.
Here, four people share their experiences and interpretations of the social concept.
Blowing up at them won’t help either of you.
Floater Friend #1
I’ve always felt like I’m constantly flitting between groups, seeing different friends every day of the week. So why do I often feel like I’m missing out on something? It might not make sense from the outside because I constantly have plans, though I can’t help but feel as though I’m missing out on that core, close-knit bond.
It’s not to say that I haven’t had ‘best friends’ in my life because I have, they’ve just always fizzled because I’ve felt myself being replaced and not wanted to seem clingy or feel like I need to push my way back in to that friendship.
While it’s a joy having such a broad range of people in my life and I’ve definitely chosen to prioritise seeing a variety of different people, lurking in the back of my mind I can’t help but feel I’m a little out of place. Something will get mentioned that I wasn’t at, some reference will be made that doesn’t resonate, or when making new plans I can’t help but feel like I’m an afterthought. Am I the add-on? The part that doesn’t quite fit?
Over the years I’ve grappled with this a lot, but what I’ve found most validating of all is learning the term ‘floater friend’. Being a floater friend can naturally feel a little isolating, so knowing that this is a very common experience is incredibly comforting. Likewise, I have to remind myself that the reason I feel like a floater is because I’ve got so many friends I’ve connected with.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to give less energy to the friendships that don’t make me feel good about myself and it’s been so liberating. I also love meeting up with friends one-on-one because it feels like I get a chance to catch up with that person properly and there’s no group dynamics to contend with.
Here’s to putting you first! If that means keeping up with lots of different friends as a ‘floater’ then you do you, and equally, if that means culling your groups so you have a smaller circle of individuals you see more often, that works too. Ultimately, you have to look out for yourself and do what makes you feel best.
What do you do when a friend is racist? Do you turn a blind eye, tell them how you feel or cut them out of your life?
Floater Friend #2
In my twenties I regularly questioned why I didn’t have a bestie and why it seemed that all of my other friends did. It felt as though everyone had a special clique with someone and I felt like I was missing out on something. Was it the way I was as a person, or should I have been making more of an effort to check in on specific people?
Now that I'm in my thirties, I realise that my lack of confidence probably played a part in this and the fact that I just do things differently; I chat to many friends sporadically over a long period of time rather than just sticking to say one or two specific friends over an intense period, i.e. a floater friend.
I am an outgoing person and most of my weekends are fully booked 3 months in advance (pair that with a partner who is equally as sociable and it can become a bit of a juggle). I love being busy though and I’ll never tire of meeting up with many different social groups week-after-week. I love jumping about as it gives purpose to my life and I just want to take it all in and see as many people as possible. Plus some friends are up for clubbing, some are up for a run, and some are up for checking out that new restaurant; you can’t expect one person to fulfil all of your life’s needs. As many people come and go, you have to learn to adapt and meet new people on a regular basis; and I don’t mind that.
One thing I don’t expect from my friends is for them to keep in touch with me on a regular basis. Of course it’s really wonderful to hear from them often, but I’m not at all offended if it’s been a while. Life is so chaotic as it is and it’s not fair to expect that from people. Especially with social media and phone usage going through the roof, it can be exhausting to keep in touch!
When we discussed the concept of being a floater friend in the office, I was shocked at how many people felt the same way as me. It was incredibly reassuring to hear this and affirmed that I wasn’t alone. We need to be reassured sometimes so that we feel like we’re heading in the right direction, wherever that is. As long as you are happy in yourself, your social circle can be a little or as big as you want it to be. Make sure you're looking after yourself, and let the rest just be.
Watch out for someone who’s “too busy” for you, but somehow fits in time with everyone else.
Floater Friend #3
I’ve always been the floater friend but never even realised there was a term for it until now.
During university, I had loads of friends. Working at the students' union bar, my social life was extremely busy; always invited to parties, being bought drinks, people stopping in the hallways to say hi to me, feeling like everyone knew who I was. I had the time of my life but deep down, I was not happy and I always felt that people were only being nice to me because they wanted free drinks. Looking back, I was probably only invited to things so they could be seen with me - I guess I was the hub of the social life for a lot of students at the time. Even though I had lots of people around me, I always wondered why I was never fully accepted in to anyone's close-knit group.
Still to this day, I am not part of any such group and I have pushed myself away from a lot of people that don't make me feel valued in our friendship. I became fed up of fading into the background. Eventually, I stopped trying and cut out the negative energy. Even in my 30s, I'm still experiencing challenges in friendships. For example, I reached out to an old friend and proposed meet up drinks. Dates were being floated back and forth for a while and I, of course, said I was very free - willing to drop pre-existing plans to catch up but there was no reply… Approximately three months later, she replied to my text messages and apologised - "OH NO I AM THE WORST. Really really awful. Would love to see you soon if we can find a date?". If she really wanted to see me, surely the same effort would be reciprocated? So you think. I responded and guess what? I've been left on unread.
From being a social person in my 20s to now being an introvert in my 30s, there was a period where the FOMO hit me hard. I was always waiting by my phone for someone to message me with an invitation to go out and join them. It became so unhealthy that I lost a lot of my self confidence. Did people just not like me? Was I too boring?
Today, I only have a small number of individual friends, who make me really happy. Our feelings are mutual and meeting up once every few weeks is very normal and ok. Therapy has allowed me to look at the bigger picture and I have gained back my self confidence. It's taken a lot of time but I've finally learned to love my own company.
My advice would be not to take things too personally - only focus on those who want to put in the same effort as you. Life is way too short to care about these things.
Floater Friend #4
I would consider myself the floater friend, having always drifted between various groups. Even on prom night, I had photos and pre-prom bubbles with one girl gang before heading to do the OOT entrance and official photos with another.
Spending my third year of university living and studying in Australia meant I didn't strictly fit into the cohort I left at home, nor the younger year I re-joined on my return to the UK — AKA I had a regular rotation of acquaintances I could call on for a night out during both years, but few close pals to spend a mildly hungover Sunday with.
However, I’d also consider myself a special breed of floater, better known as the the single reserve. I’m called on when there’s an odd empty seat at a wedding, or asked to play into the ‘fun aunt’ role at small family gatherings, invited to keep an eye on the kids while the ‘adults’ discuss mortgages, marriage and babies. At dinner parties, I'm the last-minute addition due to my semi-interesting job or because they can fit just one at the head of the table. I'm not there because I'm a vital member of the group, but because I serve another purpose and make semi-interesting conversation.
Over the years, I've convinced myself that it's okay to be sat on the edge. It means I tend to be removed from the drama, an innocent onlooker with an opinion on the situation I probably won't share. Also, my calendar typically has few totally empty days — instead, I'm cramming in a coffee catch-up before racing to birthday drinks and onto a hen-do after that.
Sure, would I like to walk into 2025 with the reassurance that an annual summer holiday with the same group of girls is on the cards? Absolutely. Would I love a best friend to be my permanent plus-one? Yep.
But I also love being surrounded by those with different interests, occupations, hobbies and stories — the perk of having your foot in with groups made up of entirely opposite people. Plus, I mostly enjoy the spontaneity it forces upon me.
I guess I'm still trying to work out exactly how I feel being the floater. Is it just that I haven't met my people yet? Or maybe I'm meant to just be a little bit removed. Who knows, but here's to finding that out, and embracing the other strays along the way.
