Warning: Bridgerton spoilers ahead.
“I really think you could take over the world if you wanted to,” my ex-boyfriend declared proudly during one of our early dates, as the pair of us nursed glasses of wine and laid bare our dreams for the future. “And it’s so attractive.”
And for a while, I really believe it was. I genuinely believe he wanted a woman who had ambition and success in her own right. The unspoken condition though, as I came to realise, was that it was only attractive if he was doing better. So when, eight months on, he was no longer enjoying his job and struggled to find a new one, despite myriad interviews, his interest in my worklife dwindled. He no longer asked about what I was working on, was dismissive if I brought it up and stopped joining me at industry events. “What am I going to add?” he responded to one of the final invites I extended to him. Add? I’d never thought about what he added or not, he was my boyfriend and I wanted him to share in my life.
When I finally plucked up the courage to raise it with him, he told me that I just didn’t make him feel good about himself and he had come to resent that I’d found a real “purpose”, whereas he wasn’t even sure he was in the right industry, let alone the right role. “I begrudge it,” he concluded. “Sorry, but I do.”
The answer hurt. Our conversation, and subsequent breakup several months later, left me with a foreboding sense that perhaps, at some point, I would have to decide between going after success or finding a man to settle down with.
So when, in series three of Bridgerton – part two of which dropped last week – Colin grapples with a complex compendium of feelings toward the discovery that his wife-to-be is (gasp) Lady Whistledown, my heart sank.
Before we go any further, I want to caveat that I – like much of the world – would give my right arm, left leg and favourite coffee mug (we all have one) if I thought it would earn me just one minute of gazing into those yearning eyes of his. And I was applauding from my sofa when he asked for consent from Penelope to touch her during their intimate scenes, not to mention the thoughtful compliments he lavishes upon her.
Including the Pitbull Bridgerton crossover we never knew we needed.
However, he himself admits that he has been “jealous” of Lady Whistledown’s talents and success – and that this has been part of the wedge between he and Pen for the latter half of the series. He spends much of the first half trying to convince her that she is worthy of him, but his own sense of worth is quick to crumble on his discovery. In fact, her unveiling as the illustrious gossip writer throws his entire sense of self into question – he struggles to see her success as separate from his, rather as something that exists to undermine his own. “Ever since I found out you are Whistledown… I think, in truth, I have been envious of you, of your success,” Colin tells Penelope after she unmasks herself to the wider 'Ton.
In fact the plot is littered with references to Colin’s complex response to Penelope’s hidden identity. During his conversation with Cressida Cowper in episode 8, he tells her, “I understand why you might hate Whistledown, her words are cutting and sharp, and still, her readers are willing to pay to read about themselves week after week,” to which she responds: “you do not sound as if you hate Whistledown, you sound as if you are jealous of her.”
But his struggle is not about jealousy entirely – it is convoluted, as feelings so often are. There is a part of him that feels undermined and embarrassed by her success in an area he dabbles in himself; he looks back on her compliments about his scribblings and finds them now humiliating. “I let you talk so much about my journal as if I were to be this great writer, when all this time you have been a published writer, renowned across Mayfair,” he scathes.
And then there is his worry about her not needing him – with money, talent and power in her own right, “what good am I to you?” he demands. Despite her insisting over-and-over that she wants to marry him because she loves him, he cannot get past the idea that if she does not need him, he is of little worth to her. In short, he struggles to find a space where he can exist alongside her success, his ego (and the wider society in which he is rooted) will not let him. The only solution as far as he sees it, is for Penelope to drop her writing, despite the fact that she is clear about her passion for it.
But Colin and my ex-boyfriend are not in a lonely club of two. There are a handful of studies that look into the idea that men are threatened by successful women, not to mention a plethora of books and deep dives into the topic. One study, from researchers at the University of Florida and the University of Virginia, found that a man’s self-esteem suffers when his female partner succeeds. It can cloud how he views the future of the relationship.
It’s easy when actors – like Bridgerton’s Luke Newton and Nicola Coughlan – are so accessible to us that we start viewing them as characters.
Why? The study suggests that gender beliefs might moderate the effect, and “having a partner who experiences success might hurt men’s implicit self-esteem because ambition and success are qualities that are generally important to women when selecting a mate.” It’s worth noting here, #notallmen, but a male partner feeling intimidated by his girlfriend or wife’s success is not uncommon.
Of course, that being said, jealousy is undoubtedly part of the human condition. But is Colin’s complex response to Penelope’s success unhealthy?
“Whether Colin’s response is healthy or not is complicated,” says relationship intelligence expert Railey Molinario. “As human beings we have the right to be emotional or upset about anything we want. Allowing ourselves to experience the full range of human emotions is healthy, where it becomes unhealthy is when we project these feelings outward and start to direct them toward others.”
“Colin’s response is a projection of his own insecurity, evidence that he feels he is insignificant. If he felt ‘full’, he would feel proud of other people’s success rather than jealous,” Railey adds. “But the question of whether it’s healthy or not comes down to whether expressing it has any benefit for him, or for Penelope – in this case it only drives a wedge between them.”
Of course, the early 1800s (the time period in which Bridgerton is set) had a much more rigid understanding of gender roles; men were the providers, women were the homemakers, and so it stands to reason that Colin may find the change in role forced upon him confronting. Why, though, do so many women today still have similar experiences with their male partners?
“Though some men find it validating to be with a woman more powerful than them – as we see Colin shift toward at the end – there are also lots of men who feel their own shortcomings are exposed by their female partner’s success,” relationship therapist Tami Sobell tells me. “And this is understandable if we trace it back to earlier iterations of society, where gender roles were more rigid, and the world placed higher value on male success. There will be men who have internalised this understanding and so, sometimes even confusingly for him, will feel uneasy when a female partner is more successful.”
It reveals a lot about their character.
She adds: “Men can see female achievement as threatening to their own sense of masculinity or belief that they should provide in order to be ‘worthy of a mate’. As Colin does in Bridgerton, a man might question his value in the relationship if he feels that his traditional role has been fulfilled by a partner.”
“Traditionally, men were seen as the 'breadwinners and protectors' and some partners still hold onto these sorts of outdated perspectives. This might lead them to feel threatened if their partner's success challenges their sense of masculinity or how they believe a relationship 'should' be,” psychologist Zoe Mallet says. “Some partners might just have competitive personalities, regardless of gender, where they view relationships as competition, which would make them feel threatened by a partner's success.”
All three experts stress, however, that it is possible to overcome this initial reaction – as perfectly evidenced by our strapping Bridgerton hero himself, who in the final scene references that he could not have written his newly-published book without the help of his wife. He has not only accepted and celebrated Penelope’s own achievements, but he has actively sought her counsel to help him reach his own dreams – proof that when we put the limitations of our ego behind us we are able to see that a successful partner is more likely to lift us up, too.
Thankfully, in the end, Colin is able to identify his feelings of jealousy and shame, and override his ego to make way for the kind of happy ending many of us hope for. The happy ending that those of us who have experienced a partner’s complex response to our success may never have received ourselves. And so I leave you with his words – his perfect words – because I haven't heard them myself (yet)… but that doesn't mean that men who will speak them are not out there. Besides, why shouldn’t we all live vicariously through Penelope for a moment?
“How lucky I am to stand by your side and soak up even a little bit of your light. If my only purpose in life is to love as great a woman as you then I will be a very fulfilled man, indeed.”
Finally, he gets it.
