It's November 2024. Donald Trump has just won the US election, and I'm about to watch a preview of the much-hyped Babygirl, featuring Nicole Kidman and Harris Dickinson. I step into a dark screening room in Soho's Crosby Street Hotel, feeling jittery and anxious at the prospect of such a star-studded event. I can't decide where to sit or if I should have a glass of prosecco.
I want one of my Doms, damnit.
Babygirl follows Romy, a CEO at a prestigious tech company, who falls for her younger, sexually dominant intern. They begin a dominant-submissive relationship – a consensual relationship in which each person embraces a certain power dynamic.
Thanks to 50 Shades of Grey and other inaccurate depictions of BDSM, many people believe that D/s relationships are largely about the dominant person using impact (such as spanking or slapping) and/or bondage (such as handcuffs or rope) on the submissive person. While a D/s relationship is about a consensual exchange of power, this can come in many forms. A dominant can be a guide, protector, champion, and pain-giver. Sometimes, dominants are called ‘daddies’ or ‘mommies’, which enhance the role of caregiver and disciplinarian.
D/s relationships can take many forms, and are often a combination of sexual and non-sexual. For example, in Babygirl, Samuel experiments with a D/s dynamic by sending a glass of milk to Romy at a bar. She hesitates and then drinks it, accepting the role of submissiveness at this moment and beginning her transformation. Like many people first experimenting with a D/s dynamic, Romy experiences a range of feelings and reactions to having her taboo desire become a reality.
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Like Romy, I was initially reluctant to admit my interest in a D/s relationship, considering myself too ambitious, independent, and feminist to want a man to ever tell me what to do. While married, I am not a trad wife.
My husband Dave and I married shortly after our undergraduate university years. We both grew up in dutiful Protestant families, with little exposure to cultures outside our respective cul-de-sacs. I was used to seeing women in people-pleasing submissive roles, but unlike a consensual D/s relationship, the adult women I grew up with followed an expected societal norm, and I wanted to break expectations that I would “fall in line” behind a husband.
The eldest of four siblings and token 'Office Dad' (always the wise, pacifying voice on the Slack channel), Dave enjoys being in charge and making others feel safe. When I'm navigating challenging periods of anxiety, Dave takes charge of anxiety-inducing situations, such as when an offer on our first apartment together fell through. He told me: “This will be ok. We will get an apartment, I’ll take care of it.” Dave takes my brain in his hand like a goalkeeper and gladly handles everyday decisions when I’m full up on executive functioning.
Rebelling from our traditional upbringing, Dave and I embraced having an open marriage. New relationships distracted me from anxiety and perceived shortcomings, while Dave simply enjoyed having more sex.
I didn’t consider BDSM until 15 years later when I met a particularly kind and gentle man who became my first dominant partner (a Dom). He was an out-of-town lover, a friend of a friend. When he asked about trying some light BDSM, I baulked. Surely I was too independent and ambitious to be someone’s submissive. But because this Dom made me feel safe, I agreed to try light BDSM – controlling my body and the occasional spanking – which I was surprised to find delighted me.
He moved and our relationship also ended, so I decided to seek out a Dom on my own. My husband was open to it and hoped that I could get something that fulfilled me in a different way.
I matched with Daddy Steve on Feeld, a non-judgmental dating app for people interested in non-monogamous relationships and kinks. Steve was explicit about negotiating BDSM, which also made me feel safe. The first time we played together, I tried to relax and embrace my inner 'babygirl'.
Daddy gave me several spankings (one for each minute I was late), then tied me up and used a vibrator on me before penetrating me (still in ropes). I rarely orgasm, thanks to decades of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) for anxiety, which often have the side effect of anorgasmia. With my Daddy, I orgasmed four times.
Afterwards, I cried. I felt bad that I liked it so much. Like Romy in Babygirl, I didn’t want to find so much pleasure in being a babygirl. I felt like a bad feminist for relishing the childlike role I took with my Daddy. Many people experience strong emotions after BDSM play, which is why aftercare (cuddling, comfort, and any behaviour that helps you process and recover) is so important.
My Daddy, who is 12 years younger than me, made it easier for me to enjoy sex. People-pleasing tendencies overwhelm me during traditional sex, but having a Dom takes these thoughts away. It’s difficult to wonder if you’re doing the right thing when you’re tied up and can’t do anything! I didn’t have to worry that I should be doing something else to please my partner. Because I trusted my Daddy to do what he wanted, I could let go of my anxious thoughts and enjoy the ride.
With both Dave and Steve I can be uniquely vulnerable. Where Dave bolsters me and helps me to be strong, Daddy Steve allows me to be undeniably pathetic. Dave slaps me on the ass and fires me up for roller derby bouts (a sport I never would’ve tried without his support), and Daddy Steve lets me pout and cry when my tummy hurts, and I just want to suck his thumb.
Having a safe place to be needy is incredibly powerful. Most of the men I’ve dated did not want to be a caregiver or decision-makers. In the early 2000s, “needy” was a dirty word to call women in relationships. But with my Doms, I’m allowed to be needy. In fact, it's relished. Each is uniquely positioned to take charge when I need it. I’m far from always a babygirl, but like Babygirl’s Romy, I do need spaces to be one.
My Doms see my anxiety disorder as the dark side of my strengths, like being emotionally and socially intuitive. Having support from Dave and Steve helps me conserve emotional strength by giving me a space to be free of anxiety. I can be honest with them about strong feelings that may be embarrassing to reveal to most others. Dave nurtures my inner child by helping me to be a stronger adult. Daddy Steve helps me to be a stronger adult by nurturing my inner child.
After the Babygirl screening, I felt woozy, and it wasn’t just the free prosecco. I couldn’t help but wonder if Romy’s situation would have progressed differently if she had owned her emotional tendencies and needs, rather than judging herself and pushing complicated feelings away. I felt grateful that I had finally opened up to being a babygirl, as it has allowed me to be my best and most true self.
Babygirl is out on 10th January.
Finding a community or resources like AskASub can also be helpful for those struggling with stigma, safety, or any concerns related to BDSM.
She recently paused filming as she 'didn't want to orgasm any more'.
